rewilding #5 ‘serve love give’

Sankalpa

Swami Satyananda Saraswati

I am an invisible child of a thousand faces of love
That floats over the swirling sea of life,
Surrounded by the meadows of the winged shepherds,
Where stillness of divine love and beauty
Rain in the spring and bloom in the midnight
Summer's warmth of softness.

Often I pass to the place
Where there is no separation of the sun and moon,
But where eternal light spreads a carpet
Of sparkling reflections of itself
Within the hearts and eyes of all,
Even those who are blind to see.
Where sweetness has no taste,
For it is the essence of all beings,
And where teardrops water flowers of happiness
And pass into brooklets of experience
And then to the open sea.

Life often cuts at my body and mind,
And though blood may be seen passing,
And a cry might be heard,
Do not be deceived that sorrow could dwell within my being,
Or suffering within my soul.
There shall never be a storm
That can wash the path from my feet,
The direction from my heart, the light from my eyes,
Or the purpose from this life.

I know that I am untouchable to the forces
As long as I have a direction, an aim, a goal:
To serve, to love, and to give.

Shall I fall on bended knees
And wait for someone to bless me
With happiness and a life of golden dreams?
No. I shall run into the desert of life with my arms open,
Sometimes falling, sometimes stumbling,
But always picking myself up, a thousand times if necessary,
Sometimes happy.

Often life will burn me,
Often life will caress me tenderly
And many of my days will be haunted
With complications and obstacles,
And there will be moments so beautiful
That my soul will weep in ecstasy.

xoxo amrutaa
above: offered by a friend via Zoom last night (excerpt)
photo: taken on a bike ride last week in Breckenridge, CO, Boreas Pass (my soul wept in ecstasy)

rewilding #4 ‘microadventures’

I’ve been obsessing about the concept of microadventures after listening to an interview with Alastair Humphreys (rode his bike around the world for 4 years…) who chatted about the endless possibilities for outdoor adventure in small units of experience. This can be before, after, instead of, or in preparation for bigger adventures.

The extreme measures taken thus far to rewild myself don’t feel very micro. Four months ago I gave up almost everything and went to India for 3 weeks. Four days ago I returned from Utah after spending 6 weeks agonizing about what to do next. I’ll stop here and say that I am grateful for the opportunity to be consciously uncomfortable. 

Calling one human at a time to co-create a microadventure. I have finally come to accept that I prefer the intimacy a one-to-one experience with another human offers. You can’t hide (by ‘you’ I mean ‘I’), and so the depth of vulnerability and connection are readily accessible. This is especially palpable within the silent moments that are awkward or not awkard depending on one’s friendship level with silence. 

What is a microadventure? Alastair says they are “adventures that are short, simple, local, cheap – yet still fun, exciting, challenging, refreshing and rewarding.” The only thing other parameter that I ask of willing co-creators (beyond one, maybe two at a time) is that our microadventures are outside. 

xoxo amrutaa (pronounced umm-rit-aah or Mary)
photo: 6am outside of a tent, just before climbing Tachycardia in Maple Canyon, Utah

rewilding #3 ‘i am with you’

An exercise rest day was much needed today after 6+ weeks of nonstop riding, running, and rock climbing around Utah and Colorado. Altitude + long uphill climbs were experienced as a Type 2 fun (fun in retrospect) for most of that trip. Convincing myself that the burning in my lungs & legs was tolerable, in combination with endless backwards counting from 100, kept me going uphill. 

You know what? This kind of intense riding is now Type 1 fun (fun while it’s happening). I am hopeful pedaling into the deep unknown will also transform into Type 1 fun.

This blog is forevermore dedicated to a dear friend for her support and friendship. We were rock climbing in Maple Canyon last weekend and she mentioned that her BIL (pretty extraordinary alpinist and expedition climber) would say “I am with you” when belaying a fellow climber. That sentence means so much to me now and I if I say it to you—I mean it. She also inspired the Roasted Butternut Squash & Chickpeas dish in the photo. We cooked this together in SLC and there were quite a few nods of approval at the dinner table (me to her and her to me, let’s be real here). I free soloed it today and am happy to share the recipe. The yogurt & heavy cilantro-ing are key.

xoxo amrutaa (name change happened in India earlier this year)

rewilding #2 ‘small wins’

Please allow me to introduce you to this lovely lady. She is a Surly Bridge Club gravel bike purchased last month from the Ottawa Bike & Trail shop. Not sure what her name is yet, but since we already have an established intimacy (she’s witnessed me cry…a lot), I’ll get to her name at some point as well. 

For now, I’ll share a small win we celebrated together today when halted by a BRIDGE OUT sign in north Lawrence. We eyed the sign for about 30 seconds and then pedaled on through the thick mud. Duh, we got stuck and she was carried across a construction zone with audible huff-ing, puff-ing, and other ings. We continued on.

Why am I writing about this? Because I am going to look back at this one day with a deeper understanding of how important these small wins were—not to mention the magnitude of this new relationship.

xoxo amrutaa hara (those are all of my new names, I promise)
photo: also a small win figuring out how to proceed (aka turning around) in this situation

rewilding #1 ‘weblog diary’

REWILDING—questioning every aspect of existence and following nature. Fuck shit damn, that is an adult way of saying I just lit my life on fire and am watching it burn while I pedal away as fast as I can on my bike. 

This photo was taken on May 12, 2024 (birthday) when I took myself camping (alone) in Moab, Utah, got lost on my bike in the desert (alone), ran out of water & food (still alone), and slept in my car (alone). Why I am smiling? Well, I went camping alone for the first time, got completely lost, and kept going. 

xoxo amrutaa (I’ll explain the name change at some point)
ps: I debated about ‘fuck shit damn’ and tried on words like ‘sheesh.’ Nope.